road to destruction

[bryon]

My name is Telic. I am writing this post after being encouraged to do so by Barbara. I have chosen to become a member as I feel society needs to be made aware that this subject is a real issue. Please do not judge me for my actions as I would never judge anyone in a similar situation. I will present all of the facts that I feel are pertinent in this case. My mother gave birth to me when she was 14 years of age. I was then adopted by her parents (my grandparents) as she was deemed too young to raise me? My father married her when she became of age. Please don't judge them. They were very much in love. My parents went on to have two other children, my full brother and sister. I also have a half sister on my mothers side but that as they say is another story. My parents, brother and sister immigrated to America in the late sixties in order to start afresh. I was always told that she (my mother) was my sister, and he (my father) was my brother in law. I therfore considered their children as nieces and nephew with me as their uncle. Sorry as I know this is confusing. I had an unhappy childhood. I was abused by an uncle and like a lot of children I kept silent. I mention this incase it is of relevance to anyone. Anyhow, who I thought were my parents (really my grandparents) died suddenly when I was 17 years old. There was some bickering over their estate and as a result I only then found out who my real parents were. I was stunned to say the least. I had only met my real parents once, just before they departed for America. I met my brother too at this time. I was seven years old and he was three during our one and only encounter. I do remember feeling very protective towards my brother at this time. My mother was pregnant at this time with my full blood sister. I remember my mother being unkind towards me during the visit. When I was told the truth about who was really who I felt anger and hatred towards my "new found family" as I felt as though they had abandoned me. I refused to have any contact with them. After leaving school I joined the military as I felt I had no where else to go. I married shortly and I have two daughters who are both quite young. I worked hard in my career in the military became an officer in due course. My wife often encouraged me to try and contact my family but I always immediately filled with anger and wanted nothing to do with them. Like a bolt out of the blue I received a letter from my sister not too long ago. The letter came a few weeks before I was to deploy to the middle east to take part in the recent operations there. I was shocked but overjoyed. All of the anger inside me seemed to subside. My family and friends were so pleased for me. I made plans to visit my family shortly after my return from war. During the interim period I spoke several times with my mother, sister and half sister. I regard my half sister fully and I only refer to her as my half sister in case any professional thinks it as relevant. My brother was living in a different part of America and was out of contact. I was so excited about the trip. I wanted to look my best, buying a new wardobe, smart haircut and so on. My sister told me that she wanted to make a good impression too. I arrived at he airport and was surprised to find my sister and her two young children waiting for me. We recognised each other instantly. We did trade some photographs before the meeting. I was stunned by her beauty. My sister is a single parent with two young children. I soon learned that the father of one of her children was very violent towards her and as a consequence they were living apart. This I feel is relevant to the story. I soon met my mother and half sister. I learned that our father had passed on some years earlier. Things were quite cold between my mothrer half sister, and myself. I stayed with my sister and for the first few days everything was fine. We had many outings and good times together. Her children warmed to me and vice versa. We would sit up and talk every evening after her children were asleep. One evening after going to bed I was awakened by my sister climbing in beside me. She said that she had to lie close to me to make up for all of the lost time. I was confused but happy with this. We simply drifted of to sleep in each others arms. My wife phoned me a few times. My sister told me that she found herself becoming jealous of my wife. As they days progressed I found myself wanting to buy her perfume and other items a man would normally buy for a girlfriend. The day came when she told me how confused she was as she felt that she was falling in love with her brother. I also felt that I was falling in love with her. We had a few drinks too many one evening and we both made a pass at each other. The morning after I was so ashamed and upset that I decided to cut short my visit. She was devasted. The teasing then started. She asked me if my wife had long shapely legs like hers. I decided to stay. The next few evenings we started to compare each other quite closely and we were both exited in how much we resembled each other. One thing led to another and we ended up having quick awkward sex a few times. My visit ended in a very tearful exchange at the airport. We made plans for her and her kids to return home with me. We both used the abusive ex as the excuse but we both knew that the real reason was to be together. Shortly after I returned home my sister called to say that what we had experienced was natural. She had learned about GSA before I did. I scoffed at this and told her this was true love. There was nothing wrong with it as we had not grown up together and legally I was not her brother. I was only making excuses. I felt a great loss in parting. The last time I experienced this feeling of loss was when my adoptive parents died suddenly when I was seventeen. I soon made plans to return only a few weeks later. She did try to dissuade me at first but then said that she had the same love for me. This emotion is so strong that it rules everything else. It is overpowering and consuming. I returned. During the short time between visits I had transformed my appearance to suit the type of man that she had always wished for. Different clothes, hairstyle, you name it. During my second visit we had sex together at least 3 or for times a day for three weeks. This was no ordinary sex. We revealed all of our hidden fantasies and desires to each other and played them out to the full. She told me that I exited her and I felt the same way. We made plans to spend the rest of our lives together and damn everyone else. I feel that I have to tell you that during this time I was omnipotent and beyond 24/7. We had another weepy farewell. I returned home and had no feelings for my wife whatsoever. My feelings towards my daughters had also lessened. I only wanted my sister in my life. I fantasised about her day and night. I could not focus on my career. My colleauges noticed the change in me. I felt no shame or guilt. I was though overpowered by the feeling of loss once again. I also felt that I had been kicked in the stomach, a horrible empty feeling. We were writing explicit letters to each other which also outlined our plans for the future. Her abusive ex intercepted one of the letters and confronted her. She told me that she was so ashamed of being found out. She thought it best to break off the relationship as he was putting her under pressure. I immediately decided to throw my career in the dustbin, abandon my family and return to "rescue" her. All of this was unlike me. I loved my daughters, had a succesful career, been married for many years. My wife and I had not slept together for a long time. Why do I mention this - I believe it could be a contributing factor? I returned for a third time. We did try to be brother/sister but we soon ended up in each others arms. After a few weeks things began to change though. She had been discoverd I had not. The ex was putting pressure on her again. We slipped into long periods of silence. We stopped communcating. The sex had also stopped, more on her part than in mine. She also felt guilty as I had thrown away my family and career which my family depended on to be with her. We parted in bad terms. I returned home, now unemployed, marriage on the rocks, no future but I still wanted to be with her. Please bear in mind that as far as my family were concerned I was just spending time with long lost relatives. I heard nothing for a few months. One day she phoned out of the blue. Within minutes I was planning yet another trip. I returned shortly after. This time I used every ounce of effort to be the brother. Once again I failed as we had alcohol fuelled sex again but not as frequently. Once again the periods of silence followed. The atmosphere became so bad that I sensed that she hated my presence. She did try to make me hate her on previous occassions by telling me that she intended to become a hooker or stripper. This did not work as it only exited me further. I feel that if she could not make me hate her then she must have used her will to hate me. This started off with petty criticisms of all of my actions which culminated in looks of disgust and hatred. I knew it was time to go and we parted without even saying goodbye. I tried to make contact some 6 months ago to no avail. My mother told me that she had a breakdown as I have already had. She is still constantly in my thoughts. When I wake in the morning there is a brief respite for a few seconds when she is not there. I still fantasise about her. I am attracted to those that resemble her. I have now lost my wife, two lovely daughters, my job, my future. I still cannot focus on anything but her. I feel no guilt or shame but I know that I should. The depression is constant. Suicidal thoughts mixed with homicidal thoughts as I want to track down her abuser. Perhaps those of you who may judge me would consider me as her abuser. Please don't. I am not a learned man but I did read that the first born has an additional gene which makes them protective of their siblings. Even after all of this I would run back to her tomorrow if she asked me too. I know it is wrong but the deepest sadness for me at this moment in time is the thought that we will never see each other again. A normal relationship cannot happen at the moment as I am extremely jealous of any relationship that she may be in. We should both seek help but we are too embarrassed to do so. Perhaps this post is the first step? I write this hoping to help prevent anyone from sinking into my circumstances. I understand that these relationships are sometimes sucessfull. I believe that some countries allow marriage. In my very humble opinion I believe that these joinings could work providing that there are no outside influences. Take care, Telic. P.S. These events happened recently. I am 47 years old, my sister is 40.

[BarbGonyo]

Thank you Byron for sharing your story. I know this was very difficult for you and hope it will be helpful to others and also to you.

Barb Gonyo