Where do I go from here?

lilpeach · 02-08-2010, 08:44 AM

Hello Everyone,
This is my first post, but I have enjoyed reading about cases similar to my own. I am in a relationship with my h/b from our dad's previous marriage. We met once when I was about 6, and again when I was 12 or so. During those short visits, I remember feeling that I had a "crush" on him, but since he is 7 years older than I am, he didn't have similar feelings. Instead, we had a short-lived sibling relationship where I remember him being the best brother ever. My father is notorious for severing ties with connections from the past that bring him guilt, so my brother and I lost contact for many years.
At the end of summer last year, my friend encouraged me to locate my brother, and, miraculously, I found him. We were able to talk via internet and a few times on the phone, and the attraction was immediate. It was not sexual attraction on my part, save for the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about how handsome he was. He, on the other hand, later admitted that he fantasized about me but felt guilty and forced himself to stop dwelling on those thoughts.
We were able to meet only a few weeks later, and as I ran to him, our eyes locked and the connection was welded. We have been inseparable ever since.
Now the hard part. I am married.
My husband agreed that my brother could stay with us for a year so he can get back on his feet after a financial crisis. As soon as he was with us, he and I would do everything together. My husband's jealously was obvious. He was patient but I think he has tried to ignore the intense feelings my brother and I share. I only recently found out about the GSA factor, so that, and reading posts here, has helped me accept our love.
My husband and I have grown apart, but this was before the reunion with my brother. We married young, and he has been deployed for half of our marriage. Now that my husband is home from deployment, I feel we have nothing in common. I love him, but not romantically, and we have no children because I am in grad school and work two jobs. I see my husband as a good friend, and I feel guilty knowing that I am in love with my brother but married to someone else. We often talk about the fulfillment of being like a married couple one day. My brother and I make love often and our relationship is one that cannot be defined in words. I'm sure many of you can relate...
We are still young, and my marriage is only 4 years old. My brother and I decided to wait for a year or two, making sure that our relationship is based not on sexual fervor, but on love and, to the extent possible, stable-thinking. The option of divorce is not one I like to think of, simply because I know that it will destroy someone's heart, but can I live the rest of my life not being with the person I love most? I am thinking about telling my husband my true feelings, but I know this isn't the "smart" choice, and it's an extremely selfish one. If I had the courage, I would tell my husband that I love him dearly as a person, but that I want to go our own ways. He deserves someone that will love him and treat him better than this. I just can't lie to myself anymore.
Is there anyone that can offer a word of wisdom? Thank you...this has been very therapeutic to put out there.

cedarforest · 02-08-2010, 10:06 PM

You are certianly among folks who understand you, & you feelings & dilemma. There are many good people on this site who will befriend & advise you, you are in the right place. If I ventured to tell you anything, I'd say, just continue to talk to us. Give us a little time to get to know more about you, & you'll connect with several people who seem to speak your language. It won't take long,& there will be no shortage of support here for you. The overwhelming majority of it will be from educated, experienced, & compassionate folks, after all, you're our kind of people. Again, welcome to our site. I hope to hear more from you. If you're interested in my experience, it's under My Story, posted in early June of last year. Getting to know the individual circumstances, of our common theme can be very important in understanding each other. Best Wishes.--cedarforest

02-08-2010, 08:44 AM	#1
lilpeach Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 1	Where do I go from here? Hello Everyone, This is my first post, but I have enjoyed reading about cases similar to my own. I am in a relationship with my h/b from our dad's previous marriage. We met once when I was about 6, and again when I was 12 or so. During those short visits, I remember feeling that I had a "crush" on him, but since he is 7 years older than I am, he didn't have similar feelings. Instead, we had a short-lived sibling relationship where I remember him being the best brother ever. My father is notorious for severing ties with connections from the past that bring him guilt, so my brother and I lost contact for many years. At the end of summer last year, my friend encouraged me to locate my brother, and, miraculously, I found him. We were able to talk via internet and a few times on the phone, and the attraction was immediate. It was not sexual attraction on my part, save for the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about how handsome he was. He, on the other hand, later admitted that he fantasized about me but felt guilty and forced himself to stop dwelling on those thoughts. We were able to meet only a few weeks later, and as I ran to him, our eyes locked and the connection was welded. We have been inseparable ever since. Now the hard part. I am married. My husband agreed that my brother could stay with us for a year so he can get back on his feet after a financial crisis. As soon as he was with us, he and I would do everything together. My husband's jealously was obvious. He was patient but I think he has tried to ignore the intense feelings my brother and I share. I only recently found out about the GSA factor, so that, and reading posts here, has helped me accept our love. My husband and I have grown apart, but this was before the reunion with my brother. We married young, and he has been deployed for half of our marriage. Now that my husband is home from deployment, I feel we have nothing in common. I love him, but not romantically, and we have no children because I am in grad school and work two jobs. I see my husband as a good friend, and I feel guilty knowing that I am in love with my brother but married to someone else. We often talk about the fulfillment of being like a married couple one day. My brother and I make love often and our relationship is one that cannot be defined in words. I'm sure many of you can relate... We are still young, and my marriage is only 4 years old. My brother and I decided to wait for a year or two, making sure that our relationship is based not on sexual fervor, but on love and, to the extent possible, stable-thinking. The option of divorce is not one I like to think of, simply because I know that it will destroy someone's heart, but can I live the rest of my life not being with the person I love most? I am thinking about telling my husband my true feelings, but I know this isn't the "smart" choice, and it's an extremely selfish one. If I had the courage, I would tell my husband that I love him dearly as a person, but that I want to go our own ways. He deserves someone that will love him and treat him better than this. I just can't lie to myself anymore. Is there anyone that can offer a word of wisdom? Thank you...this has been very therapeutic to put out there.

02-08-2010, 10:06 PM	#2
cedarforest Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Tennessee Posts: 245	Hello, & Welcome You are certianly among folks who understand you, & you feelings & dilemma. There are many good people on this site who will befriend & advise you, you are in the right place. If I ventured to tell you anything, I'd say, just continue to talk to us. Give us a little time to get to know more about you, & you'll connect with several people who seem to speak your language. It won't take long,& there will be no shortage of support here for you. The overwhelming majority of it will be from educated, experienced, & compassionate folks, after all, you're our kind of people. Again, welcome to our site. I hope to hear more from you. If you're interested in my experience, it's under My Story, posted in early June of last year. Getting to know the individual circumstances, of our common theme can be very important in understanding each other. Best Wishes.--cedarforest

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