checking in again

[mauve decade]

Once again, I have been dealing with feelings of suicidal guilt for not being able to avoid or end my romantic interactions/ relationship with my uncle. The other day, after speaking with my father via skype and seeing my uncle trying to call me on the other line, I was struck by a debilitating sense of shame and guilt. I can't afford to cause this kind of guilt/ shame for myself long term but don't know how to get myself out of this.

The one thing that this GA/GSA has done has put a barrier/ wall between myself and my father from whom I was estranged for 20 years. I was haunted all my life by his absence and now that I have him, I'm living a lie. This has been the most painful part of this experience- aside from having to wrestle with internalized taboos and re-evaluate whoever I thought I was.

Its as though I had been in denial about the consequences of this relationship with my uncle- interacting with him romantically/ intimately..etc. After speaking with my father, I just had so much shame and self hate primarily because my father has such an innocent, selfless approach to the new relationship we are trying to build after being in reunion for a year and half. I feel so terrible about this GA/ GSA developing and beat myself up for it because it isn't ideal - it would make my father so disgusted/ confused. The secrecy makes me feel like I am losing my father again because of the distance it puts between us.

I do not know how to deal with this. I am in group therapy. I am trying to be patient/ take things a day at a time but really, I am so afraid that GA/GSA is going to take many more years away from me (and my father!!!!). I want to be able to stop this but I don't want the closeness I have with my uncle to end.

However my relationship with my uncle feels especially wrong when I interact with my father. The rest of the time, its as though I'm in denial, or I'm just dealing with the negative and positive repercussions of being with him on my own- thinking only in terms of myself- not in terms of what it means to the family at large.

I don't feel like I can end things long distance- I have very basic/ intermediate ability with my uncles language and can't communicate with him as well because we are not face to face. And, I don't know how I can handle trying to end things. I am afraid I'm going to fall apart.

What the hell should I do? How has anyone made their way out of this in once piece??

I really do not want something between my father and I and feel like I need to make it a priority to act with some integrity with him. Also, I feel like if I am going to go on with the GA/ GSA- then I am going to have to find the guts to tell the truth to my father about it. I do not feel like after all my father and I have been through in our tragic lives as though I am capable of going forward living a lie with him. I can't live with myself.

If I'm willing to pursue something with my uncle, shouldn't I be courageous enough to deal with the truth with my father? If not, then shouldn't I end things?

This internal conflict takes a big toll on me and I don't know how to let go of it/ or what to do. I keep trying to be patient and let things develop so that eventually I come to some clarity or a decision, etc. but I'm afraid this is just going to go on and on and waste more years- meanwhile, so much was robbed from me and from my father as it is.

Does anyone have any thoughts about this?

best,
md

[mermaid]

hi honey,
firstly; this is not your fault. You didn;t create this situation and you have done nothing to feel guilty about.
Most people keep aspects of their personal / sexual life from their parents. Having been estranged you especially can choose to share what you want and don't need to share anything with your father that is personal - you don't owe him anything.
and you say; "!it would make my father so disgusted/ confused." ..well it might, especially at first, but he might also be able to understand if he had time and information. If he's a dad worth having he will want the best for you.
You don't need to rush any decisions, keep the group therapy up and take your time.
m x

[lostsister]

Mauve....
I want to offer you a few things to think about, and will answer you at length but before I do. if you wouldn't mind...

1) Who did you meet first, Your Dad or Your Uncle ?

2) Is your Uncle willing to include you FULLY into his life, that is, if everything were to come out in the open, is there any chance that you and your Uncle can have a FULL Life together ?

3) Are there any children in the equation ?

[mauve decade]

Mermaid and Lost sister-

thank you for your thoughtful replies-

It is true that most people keep their sexual lives private from their parents... and the compassion you both write with is helpful-

I have not been taking my uncle's calls for a couple of days just to try to sort out my own feelings-

1. I met my father first. In fact, during the first weeks of our reunion, my father had been taking me around so many people most of whom did not speak english, that by the time I met my uncle, I just thought of him as yet another man my father was introducing me to that I wasn't going to be able to communicate with. He was a complete stranger to me and I found it difficult at first to relate to him as though he was my uncle. About a month into knowing him though, I began to experience GA- we became close but not intimate. It was on the next trip a few months later that we became intimate.

2. My Uncle is willing to include me fully into his life- but he lives in another country... and his life is very tied in with the rest of the family- my two aunts hover around him cooking for him/ everyone most weekends- and one of my aunts cooks and cleans for him throughout the week.

From time to time I have brought up the idea of speaking with my father or the family about it, but he hasn't wanted to. I understand why but I thought before I became wholly integrated into the family, they might be more understanding- and I was kind of looking for help... I thought maybe if I spoke about it with them, they might help me from being alone with him- as I was unable to stay away from him with my own will.

3. He has four grown children. I am close friends with his oldest daughter, my cousin.

thank you again for your kind words-

Hope to hear any input you might have-

Md

[cap]

edited by cap

[mauve decade]

Hi cap,

Are you saying that I should have a conversation with my father about this?

Let me know if you have any other thoughts-

md