New to forum...help me understand

[TxChris]

Hello all. I've been reading through this forum for about a month now. It was quite by accident that I found it. My situation is rather odd for me. I'm in my mid-forties, and a year ago, I made contact with my three children after 17 years. The circumstances of the separation are another story.

My youngest daughter, who is now 21, was apparently very excited to make contact with me, even though there were apprehensions. She wsa four (4) when we were separated. We had talked on the phone up to the point where she said that my son was ready to meet me. I asked her if she would be there with him, and she said probably not since she was somewhat nervous.

On the date of my meeting with my son, I turned the corner of the room and everyone was there. My daughter's live in boyfriend, and my two grandchildren. As time has carried on, other aspects of our lives have made things very difficult. We don't get to spend as much time together as I or she would like. She has recently given birth to a third child, so her time is at a premium.

I have found myself thinking of her in ways that I probably shouldn't. And what makes it more difficult for me is that whenever we hug, she always seems hesitant to let go of me, and she tells me that I smell good in a voice that I don't know how to interpret. (And I don't even wear cologne on a daily basis.) I suppose what really got my attention was that one day, she came to my office and I reached out to hug her, she pressed herself against me in a way that I'm not sure a daughter would.

I have not broached this subject with her, and I'm not sure I should. I don't know if her actions are nuance, or if she realizes what she's doing. She is very open with me about a lot of things that surprise me, though nothing totally sexual as of yet.

So, I'm not sure why I'm going into all of this so soon, except I don't know how to proceed. How unique is my situation and should I just blow it off and settle for the relationship that everyone expects?

[cedarforest]

You are among folks who know the emotions you're feeling. I feel you're very fortunate to have made contact this early into your reunion, especially since nothing has really happened yet. My advice to you would be to determine what's best for your children & family, then stay true to that. Many of us were totally blindsided by GSA, & found ourselves in an almost powerless situation before we knew what hit us. In my case, I reacted to it, & it eventually destroyed not only my life, but hurt many, many others who cared for me & my h/s.

You sound very reasonable & objective, which keads me to beleive you are early on in the GSA developement. In other words, you have your wits about you, so what is it you REALLY wantfor, & from your daughter & your new family? What would you be risking if an inappropriate relationship resulted from this situation. You've mentioned that she has 3 children (your grandchildren), consider them for a moment.Do you have a family that would be vunerable (wife & other kids)? I can only give you my experience & advice, which is refrain from anything that harms your loved ones & yourself. I do get the feeling, by being involved in this site for about 9 months, that most people who act on GSA, usually regret the outcome, & wish they hadn't, while, very, very few, claim long term success & happiness. This obviously isn't scientific, just my observation from reading the posts on this site.

Regardless, you have found a site with good people who know the pain, struggle, & yes euphoria, that comes with GSA. I hope this makes sense to you, again, welcome to the site.--cedarforest

[cbcpaul]

Cedar is absolutely right TXChris, and a very warm welcome from me too. I wish I had had a resource like this one here when I was in my very early stages of my experience with G(S)A. It sounds like you have read quite a bit on this site and I encourage you to keep doing so. In other peoples words you will find knowledge, and comfort, that can do nothing but help you with your own personal journey with G(S)A.

I wish you a very warm and caring welcome. I know those feelings that you feel, and most everyone else here know those feelings too.

You are indeed among friends.

paul

[mermaid]

and just to add, as well as the time pressures don't underestimate the effect on your daughter's feelings, emotions and thought processes of just having had a child. It can lead many of us to actions and decisions that we later regret.
m x

[Victor]

Originally Posted by TxChris

I have found myself thinking of her in ways that I probably shouldn't. And what makes it more difficult for me is that whenever we hug, she always seems hesitant to let go of me, and she tells me that I smell good in a voice that I don't know how to interpret. (And I don't even wear cologne on a daily basis.) I suppose what really got my attention was that one day, she came to my office and I reached out to hug her, she pressed herself against me in a way that I'm not sure a daughter would.

Consider that this is a daughter who has not had her "dad" in her life for 17 years. Of course she is going to pull you in and hug you, and linger in that embrace. As for the office hug, without knowing what it was that you felt was in a way that a daughter wouldn't hug you, I don't dare try to speculate, except maybe to say, "are you sure that your own attraction to her isn't trying to see more there then there really is?" When we find ourselves obsessing over another, we often tend to interpret things thru the filter of our own emotions and desires, and often missinterpret those intentions.

Mother's tend to smell their newborns as part of their first act as mothers. Though our sense of smell is no where near the power of most animals, we still have the power to recognize the scent of our children, siblings and parents. It is a scent "pleasant" to us, and it relaxes us. We usually don't recognize this on a conscious level, but sometimes we do. That your scent was "good" to her was just a recognition that you are family.

Originally Posted by TxChris

I have not broached this subject with her, and I'm not sure I should. I don't know if her actions are nuance, or if she realizes what she's doing. She is very open with me about a lot of things that surprise me, though nothing totally sexual as of yet.

Openess is the way we bond mentally. It's not a surprise that she would be open with you after all these years. I have two daughters....one I raised from birth, the other I met when she was 32. They are now 34 and 32 years. I have an "openess" with both, which I see as respecting them both as adults. Sometimes the conversation does turn "sexual", though it is not "flirtatious". But these are normal conversations for adults who respect each other as adults. Yes, they are still my daughters, but they aren't kids anymore.

Originally Posted by TxChris

So, I'm not sure why I'm going into all of this so soon, except I don't know how to proceed. How unique is my situation and should I just blow it off and settle for the relationship that everyone expects?

Just blow it off as an overreaction by an overly concerned father who is worried about his own inappropriate feelings for a daughter he hasn't seen since she was 4. It's a dance, and given time, you will both learn the moves that will lead to a great father and daughter performance.

I don't want to you think that your thoughts are abnormal. They aren't. They just need to be rechanneled in a non-sexual way. When your thoughts turn sexual, try to envision her as the four year old you left 17 years ago. This should help turn the sexual aspect off. There is no need to address this to her, unless she starts showing signs of being sexually attracted to you; sexual flirtation and innuendo, inappropriate touching of the inner thighs, chest, or butt, or deep kissing on the mouth.