to meet or not to meet

[mermaid]

Hi,
ok, I'm asking for advice and help here. I don't want to bore everyone with my full story...most of you probably know it (or you can find it by searching for threads and posts by me).
I would like a bit of advice here.
the situation is that my husbands half sister has moved to this country and fallen in love with and is living with another man. We have not yet met but will shortly be visiting the area she lives in.
I suggested the trip and Hubby agreed ....wanting to go there without any pressure to meet her but really there's no other particular reason for us tovisit that area. I thought we would let her know about the trip and see how it went.
The other day he said he doesn't want to tell her we are going.
He says all GSA feelings are gone. I think; well if that's true why wouldn't you want to meet up unless you were either frightened of 're-igniting' them or hurt and scared of further rejection (we did a similar trip years ago to near his bio dad and bio dad kinda couldn't be bothered to met up) - plus I think he is hurt by her falling in love with somone else.
So my dilemma is; do I tell her we are coming or not? Personally I think he would like to meet her but is scared of her being reluctant ...and i think she would be keen. I think it would be lovely for him to meet her and she would want to and he hasn't asked me not to get in touch...so maybe he's hoping I will do the liaison?
but then again maybe it's better to let sleeping dogs lie?

[Victor]

While asking her will give her the opportunuty to say "no", sneeking around or showing up uninvited or unexpected will certainly not endear her to the idea of a continued relationship. A "no" now does not mean it will always be "no." But going without letting her know could make it a permanent "no".

[5Kmom]

Yes, dear Mermaid - I would have to agree with Victor. Being direct in our intentions and always giving others the opportunity to have a "choice" in any matter by being honest and above-board has the best outcome, with the least regrets later on. (Months of therapy talking here and literally years of "recovery"!) Best wishes to you!
5Kmom

[cbcpaul]

M I also agree with Victor.

I spent many years paralyzed by fear. Your hubby maybe is feeling a lot of fear and trepidation about meeting. Making a non-decision and just not doing anything, is perhaps a sign of just been fearful of actually making things worse. I have spent years in this state and I admit to being in this state now. Deep down maybe your hubby wants resolve with his H/S but just fears making things worse. There is a safety in not doing anything, because you can always change your mind later and try for a resolve if it feels 'right'. Nobody has the life skills to figure out this issue as we are essentially alone, and a bit lost with knowing what is the right thing to do. After all, it's not like you can read much about this, or ask a friend, or even a therapist as even they are not well versed in G(S)A Good solid advice is hard to come by isn't it. So hubby sits and does nothing, because a non-decision doesn't make things worse or better, and it leaves the possibility of positive movement and resolve later on. The problem is ....is that for hubby (maybe) and certainly me, is that he may be getting more comfortable living with a non-decision. So nothing changes and there is no movement.

This has gone on for years with me.....I'm not proud of it, nor do I feel it's wrong, or right.

But there has to be a time (or not) when some sort of decision needs to be made. Maybe that's a permanent state of non-communication...maybe it's a small step forward with a view to some resolve.

The answer has to come from within.

But my only observation is that it's sometimes easier to do nothing than it is to do something.

When doing nothing is more uncomfortable that doing something.....things will change.

As long has hubby is aware of his non-action and is still processing things then let him decide when.

A bit of a ramble from me.....sorry M, but I hope something in there is of some help.

paul

[mermaid]

thanks guys,
first to clarify, he'#s absolutely not wanting to sping it on her and turn up unnanounced....he just wants to not meet (except if he really didn't want to meet he wouldn't have agreed to visit that area would he)
secondly, thanks for your comments - i think they have helped me make up my mind but they seem mainlyu advice for him. I agree with your advice and I have tried to say this to him. But what I'm asking for is given the situation what would you advise me to do?we go in two weeks and will only be there 3 days....we probably won't visit that area again.
So do I get in touch with her and try to arrange a meeting or not?
I have tried gently teasing him that I will contact her and he has sort of shuddered but didn't say "please don't do that".
I can't work out if he really wants to meet but can't handle potential rejection / confrontation so wants me to handle the liaison or if he really actually wants to blow the relationship....I think he prob still has GSA feelings for her and is hurt by her new relationship so sort of wants her to know we have visited the area without contacting her....like a teeneger showing the object of his affection that he doesn't care!
m

[mermaid]

well I realised if I was going to that area without him I would definitley hook up with his h/s so I texted her this afternoon. She is excited and nervous and very pleased we are coming! I told her he's so nervous he might not be able to meet. So I can tell him that I will meet up with her and he can come along or do something else or look at us from behind a potted palm with some binoculars.
don't know why I was getting in such a tangle!
thanks guys
m

[mermaid]

and Paul...now I have my head out of my own backyard...in your post above you don't sound as positive as you have done in the past? how are you?

[cbcpaul]

I'm OK M...thanks for asking and. Truthfully I've been so busy with stuff lately I haven't had the energy to chat on the boards much. But I am visiting every day!

My sister issue seems to be getting more prominent in my mind and heart lately. I feel that I will write to her soon and see what's going on. I just will write when inspiration hits me...that's always seen me well in the past. I am certain she doesn't know anything about this site....but I secretly wish she did!

My family of origin mean a lot to me, and my life is so much more complete since we were all reunited. It's been a great gift, and despite the heartache of the G(S)A I have no regrets.

M........xoxo thanks

paul

[mermaid]

that's good.
m x

[cap]

edited by cap